PALO ALTO—Stanford University President John Hennessy hosted an A-list dedication ceremony in a dramatic unveiling of the campus plan to invest in renewable energy.
“Today, we are spending money,” he announced at a dinner event exclusively for donors. “By spending money, the environment gets saved.”
“It’s wonderfully simple,” he beamed.
The president’s plan entailed razing all 3,340 old-growth Live Oaks on campus and replacing them with intensive solar and wind collectors. At a cost of $5.6 billion, almost all the money is to go to four green energy start-ups founded by Stanford alumni.
Elon Musk, Paypal co-founder and one of the principle donors to the project, spoke after the president.
“We can proudly announce today that we’re saving the planet,” he said. “Which is something only wealthy, first-world residents who graduated from elite universities can do.”
“By spending money,” he added quickly.
The solar panels, which are to be delivered by a fleet of Tesla convertibles and plastered with the Google logo, will be operated remotely by iPhone app.
“Apparently being green is something which involves massive product placement, something I didn’t know beforehand,” President Hennessy explained. “Go figure.”
Eco-luminaries Sergey Brin, Thomas Friedman and Mark Zuckerberg joined the president at the private ceremony, where they dined on local, sustainably-harvested scallops and organic wine.
“What a wonderful ceremony,” Zuckerberg posted to his Facebook wall, his face stuffed too full of scallops to speak to this reporter. Zuckerberg, who lives in a 12-bedroom house in Palo Alto that uses more energy per hour than most third-world residents will use in a lifetime, was adamant that the way to save the planet involved corporations spending massive sums.
“Money,” Friedman said, wine drooling from the corner of his mouth. “Eco,” he added later.
“Sustainability means money,” Musk added.
“Environment,” Friedman said.
“It’s important for the world to know that only large corporations and rich people can save the world, by spending money.” Sergey Brin said. “Which we have a lot of.”
“Eco Eco sustainable money money,” he added.